getting rid of HATE, and deciding my own FATE

Let me fill you in:

I feel like a turtle, I am in a complete shelled in mess! I will get through this, but I wanted to let y’all in. I promised myself that when I began my journey, I would take y’all alongside me, not only to show y’all the ups of getting healthy, but also to show y’all that life is not perfect. 

I think a big part about being an “influencer” is making sure that you constantly are on your toes and posting and saying all the right things. It doesn’t all have to be this difficult, I have just become, numb.

What is right anymore? 

Recently more than ever I have realized that you will never ever EVER be right by everyone. Whether we like it or not, the honest truth is that family, friends, enemies, and even strangers have their own standards and opinions.  

My honesty: I have not been the best I can be to y’all, or myself. I have started to let the world around me consume my everyday thoughts and my daily routines. I have let negativity slowly crawl into some aspects into my life and it has finally reached its tipping point. I am so sorry to all of you, and I am sorry to myself. 

This summer I tried to focus on getting back on track. I went out of town on my own personal oasis to find peace. I read books, I prayed, I walked, and actually I was doing much better. 

Before I knew it, something else happened and my world felt like it was caving in.

Then, I hurt my back. I had to go in and have a small procedure, and sadly, it seems like it isn’t much better. I am actually in pain… which STINKS!

For some strange reason in my life when one thing starts to stress me out, I find one thousand other things that bother me, and then I get sick…. Before I knew it, I had bronchitis. **Bronchitis is basically suicide for my voice. I literally cannot sing which drives me up a wall, and then makes me more sad.

When I am sad, I think about sleeping, then I think about food, and then I start to make even more excuses. THEN THE CYCLE REPEATS.. Does this sound familiar????

I am creating excuses. When I had surgery I knew I was making a lifestyle change, and being healthy really has changed my life. The reality of me having surgery, is that while I did have a stomach surgery, I still have the same brain. The same thoughts go through my head. I am human. I feel like I am not only failing myself, but also everyone else. Let me tell you, if you haven’t had that feeling, it sucks. 

Why am I writing all of this?

Many people reach out to me saying that they are abnormal for thinking like this. You feel like your world is ending, and you can’t do anything about it, right?

YOU ARE NORMAL. You are not crazy, you are not perfect, you simply are human. 

Without making mistakes, we would never be able to learn. 

It may look like losing weight can fix your problems. ** YES IT IS SO CRUCIAL TO BE HEALTHY.** BUT, let us not forget that also in order to be healthy on the outside we have to be healthy on the inside. 

I am at a point today where I have decided to start taking everything one day at a time. To me that means: Getting rid of Hate, and deciding MY OWN fate. 

Let go of the hate you have for the people that judge you, let go of the pain that you have pounding in your heart, let go of the evil and negativity that feels like cannot go away, forgive the people that have wronged you, and turn the other cheek. Every day flip the page, continue to write your own story, and think about why you are writing this story, and for WHOM you are writing it for. We all have our own paths, and we will meet MANY people along the way. The right people will WANT to stay in your life for a reason. If they aren’t there, also, there is a reason.. We have our own purposes in life, but I can promise your purpose is NOT to worry about why people don’t like you, or to sit and stare at a wall and say it is impossible. It is possible, you are capable, I am capable, I can do anything I put my mind to.. If I fail, and don’t succeed, try try and try again; because today, is only the first day of the REST of your life. 

I am sorry, and I promise to y’all, and myself that I will keep on striving daily to be the best me I can be. I promise to focus on the reasons why I started my journey, and the reasons I decided to let go, and move on. I promise I will start to TRY again. It means everything in the world to me that y’all have stuck around in my journey, and been so incredibly supportive in more ways than you know.

What drives you?

WOW, I cannot believe that it has already been 6 weeks since my surgery. I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in Baylor Hospital prepping for "the big day". 

This week was great. I went on my first road trip since surgery. Now, I know many of you are thinking.. uh why would that matter?

SO, let me ask you:

When you go on road trips what do you do?

Do you take pit stops? Do you sleep? Do you scream are we there yet and annoy the living daylight out of your family and friends?

Well in my family, whenever we drive down to Houston we always stop at Bucee's. We would walk in to the gas station with our sweatpants on, hair in tangles up in buns, get the largest drinks, and most delicious (unhealthy) snacks to munch on. I can honestly say that not once in my life have I looked at the calorie content in each of the snack bags. I DEFFINITLEY never thought about how many grams of sugar were in a soda. I know you continue to read this and wonder why I am going on about Bucee's, here is why. This past weekend when we drove to Houston, I packed my own food. We did not stop at Bucee's. I had will power. Yes, we did stop at a gas station in between, and yes my brother got unhealthy snacks, but for the first time in my life, I did not crave them. It sounds so simple, but for me, this was a monumental moment in my life. Just like that, I knew the trip would be fabulous. 

It started off with a bang. I got to see my lovely cousins in Houston. My cousin Isabela, and I danced through Saturday night,(I got 15,000 steps) and it was honestly the most fun I think I have ever had. Sunday we all went to mass, and had a bbq for lunch. While everyone ate burgers for the meal, I focused on my goals. I served myself turkey, with grain mustard, a small low fat babybell cheese, and 4 olives. I know.. that kind of sounds terrible, but I was so satisfied, and not to mention.. so full.. A concept in which i'm not sure I will never fully understand!!! 

We drove back to Dallas late that night and continued on with the week. My weeks recently have consisted of the same things. I wake up, make breakfast, drink water 30 minutes after (with the gastric bypass process this is CRUCIAL), workout, help TAKE STOCK!!, eat?, drive around dallas, do squats, shower, eat again somewhere in there, and sleep.

This Wednesday there was a great change of pace. While I did continue to go about my day, I also had time to stop by Septien. Ever since I can recall, Septien has been my safe haven. I practically grew up there. When I was a kid I attended summer camps, and took lessons often. I learned to sing, act, and dance. With that, I learned the truest form of expressing myself while doing what I love. When I was 9, Remington recorded my first cover, Love you I do, by dream girls. Since then, he has recorded, and help me incredibly. Even to this day, I belive he is one of the most talented songwriters and producers I know. His mother, Linda Septien, is a powerhouse in the music industry, but more importantly such an incredible role model for me. Visiting yesterday made me realize that I really need to start kicking it in gear with my music again. I have not sang in over a month because my surgery has really taken a toll on my diaphragm. Thankfully visiting Septien has reminded me that I can do it. 

Over the past 6 weeks I have been through a lot. My entire life has changed, for the best. Throughout my process, out of all the weeks, this week has been the best week I have had yet. While change sometimes sucks, and cravings are the worst, I am slowly starting to recognize the love I have for myself, my music, and my life. I saw this week how much music has truthfully always been my passion. I felt a rush of inspiration to perform again after Wednesday night. I could not be more excited and ready for my future. If you had one thing which would inspire you to keep going in life.. what would it be? Better yet, what keeps you going now.. is it your passion?

“Recorded at Septien for an audition, by Remington. Originally sang by Tori Kelly. Cover by MC. ”