getting rid of HATE, and deciding my own FATE

Let me fill you in:

I feel like a turtle, I am in a complete shelled in mess! I will get through this, but I wanted to let y’all in. I promised myself that when I began my journey, I would take y’all alongside me, not only to show y’all the ups of getting healthy, but also to show y’all that life is not perfect. 

I think a big part about being an “influencer” is making sure that you constantly are on your toes and posting and saying all the right things. It doesn’t all have to be this difficult, I have just become, numb.

What is right anymore? 

Recently more than ever I have realized that you will never ever EVER be right by everyone. Whether we like it or not, the honest truth is that family, friends, enemies, and even strangers have their own standards and opinions.  

My honesty: I have not been the best I can be to y’all, or myself. I have started to let the world around me consume my everyday thoughts and my daily routines. I have let negativity slowly crawl into some aspects into my life and it has finally reached its tipping point. I am so sorry to all of you, and I am sorry to myself. 

This summer I tried to focus on getting back on track. I went out of town on my own personal oasis to find peace. I read books, I prayed, I walked, and actually I was doing much better. 

Before I knew it, something else happened and my world felt like it was caving in.

Then, I hurt my back. I had to go in and have a small procedure, and sadly, it seems like it isn’t much better. I am actually in pain… which STINKS!

For some strange reason in my life when one thing starts to stress me out, I find one thousand other things that bother me, and then I get sick…. Before I knew it, I had bronchitis. **Bronchitis is basically suicide for my voice. I literally cannot sing which drives me up a wall, and then makes me more sad.

When I am sad, I think about sleeping, then I think about food, and then I start to make even more excuses. THEN THE CYCLE REPEATS.. Does this sound familiar????

I am creating excuses. When I had surgery I knew I was making a lifestyle change, and being healthy really has changed my life. The reality of me having surgery, is that while I did have a stomach surgery, I still have the same brain. The same thoughts go through my head. I am human. I feel like I am not only failing myself, but also everyone else. Let me tell you, if you haven’t had that feeling, it sucks. 

Why am I writing all of this?

Many people reach out to me saying that they are abnormal for thinking like this. You feel like your world is ending, and you can’t do anything about it, right?

YOU ARE NORMAL. You are not crazy, you are not perfect, you simply are human. 

Without making mistakes, we would never be able to learn. 

It may look like losing weight can fix your problems. ** YES IT IS SO CRUCIAL TO BE HEALTHY.** BUT, let us not forget that also in order to be healthy on the outside we have to be healthy on the inside. 

I am at a point today where I have decided to start taking everything one day at a time. To me that means: Getting rid of Hate, and deciding MY OWN fate. 

Let go of the hate you have for the people that judge you, let go of the pain that you have pounding in your heart, let go of the evil and negativity that feels like cannot go away, forgive the people that have wronged you, and turn the other cheek. Every day flip the page, continue to write your own story, and think about why you are writing this story, and for WHOM you are writing it for. We all have our own paths, and we will meet MANY people along the way. The right people will WANT to stay in your life for a reason. If they aren’t there, also, there is a reason.. We have our own purposes in life, but I can promise your purpose is NOT to worry about why people don’t like you, or to sit and stare at a wall and say it is impossible. It is possible, you are capable, I am capable, I can do anything I put my mind to.. If I fail, and don’t succeed, try try and try again; because today, is only the first day of the REST of your life. 

I am sorry, and I promise to y’all, and myself that I will keep on striving daily to be the best me I can be. I promise to focus on the reasons why I started my journey, and the reasons I decided to let go, and move on. I promise I will start to TRY again. It means everything in the world to me that y’all have stuck around in my journey, and been so incredibly supportive in more ways than you know.

And we are back....at home :)

Hello hello! I am finally able to write my second blog, and I am very excited about it. 

Of course many people are wondering, why in the world has it taken so long for me to write this blog...... Well, I actually was just released from the hospital yesterday. 

Tuesday morning, March 28th, 2017, my life changed forever. I was wheeled into the operation room, and came out with a second chance. After the procedure I was taken up to my room, and surrounded by beautiful flowers, balloons, mini gold spoons, and my incredibly supportive, Dr. Dan Davis, and family. The day came and went. The most exciting part of Wednesday was getting a shower...but Wednesday, like Tuesday was pretty much a blur too.

On Thursday I had a swallow study, and realized that I was not able to hold down any liquids. The doctor closely monitored me and decided that on Friday we would have to have an emergency surgery. Friday morning I went in at 7:30 and was released from the operating room at about 11:30. I remember my parents and doctor standing over me, while I was trying to breath through the pain. I had no idea what was going on. The next thing I knew I opened my eyes and it was 6 pm on Friday night. Later that night I found out that I had a massive blood clot, (the size of a deflated football) in my abdomen walls, and the doctor had never seen anything like it. I am so blessed that he saw it, and took it out when he did. 

Saturday, I immediately started feeling better. I could finally, but slowly, take down my liquid pain medicine, and drink 1 oz of water every 15 minutes. I started to walk more often, and yes I still hurt, but I didn't feel like I was dying anymore!! Sunday morning my incredible doctor released me from the hospital, and my mom has become my doctor, at home nurse.

Last night, David, my brother, was confirmed and they had a mini party at my house. There was bbq and family, and I did crave a little bit of the food... but at the same time I realized, I am improving my life for a reason. I cannot and will not loose focus. I tried to hold down sugar free- fat free fro yo- but that did not go over to well. I was up four times last night, BUT for the first time since Tuesday, I got up by myself each time. ( I cannot tell you how annoying it is to not be able to pee by yourself) 

So now here we are.... Today, the first day of the rest of my life. Fighting an addiction, one day at a time. Each day more and more realizing who my true friends are, and who I am. I will keep on fighting, and bettering myself to be the best I can be.