3.15.18

A blog about 3.15.17.

 2 days before surgery

I am feeling so many mixed emotions right now it is unbelievable. I remember this day like it was yesterday. One year ago today.. I had the biggest emotional break down of my entire life. Lauren Solomon, my sister, was holding me on my bed in Mexico, while I balled crying to her about how I was conflicted. I was unsure. I was scared. I was terrified of the unknown. I was fearful. Realizing soon after that darkness is the absence of light, and fear is simply the absence of faith. I wasn't trusting in God because I was terrified of not knowing what would happen in my future.

My fears also being: "What if I can never eat normally again? What am I going to do at my wedding when I can't drink champagne? What if all of my hair really does fall out? Why can't I just be normal and eat what normal people eat? I just don't understand." 

These thoughts flooded my mind and crowded my perception. People ask me, what were your doubts going into surgery.. well.. there they were. Lauren looked and reminded me to trust in what my grandfather has always told her. The big W and the little w, God's will and your will. There was my second chance at life, and I didn't know when else this could be a possibility. 

It hit me that night. I finally could see a light. I could visualize a possitive, yet scary, uneven, and windy road. A marathon not a sprint. A journey and not a diet. A life. A REAL, second chance to be healthy. I called my mom... and at 8:19 pm, we scheduled my appointment for March 29, 2017 at 7 am. ( THE BIG DAY *remember that?)

crazy how time has flown by. Honestly these past few weeks have been tough on me. I have not been my healthiest, yet I have not gained weight. I have been honest on my blog. I have shown y'all everything I have eaten. I have stress eaten.. I have BINGE eaten. I have craved, and caved. You name it, I have a name for it, and I've done it. My point being, sometimes I get so bothered by arguments, and tough situations I am surrounded by. I question why I am put in the ruts that I am in. I wonder why me? I think about what my life coulda woulda shoulda... and then I look back. It all happens for a reason.  Remember when I questioned the gastric bypass and almost didn't have surgery? Guess what?  THIS... blog would not be a thing. I would not be in Spain. You would not be reading this. I am not sure why, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Funny enough recently, someone that was dear to us said, Man plans, God laughs. It is really ironic isn't it?* ;) I am blessed to be surrounded by the most wonderful, strong, incredible family and best friends in the world. I am blessed for the life I have. I need to remind myself, that everything happens for a reason, and it will all work itself out. Do not be be fearful, have faith. 

** Oh and don't forget ( Karma will bite cha in the bootyyyy) 

No easy "weigh" out

In life, there is no easy way out. This week, I realized that. Having gastric bypass surgery, has completely changed my life. I would not trade it for the world. Yet, like all big decisions we make, I still question myself. 

As much as I would love for my journey to be about constant positivity, and happiness, it is not. I have had my fare share of "tantrums" over the past week. Thoughts of binging and cheating frequently cross my mind. It would be so easy to just pick up a darn cookie. I just want to be allowed to eat ONE bite of watermelon... BUT I cannot. 

Yes I can eventually eat fruit, but right now I am in the "soft food" stage of my diet. My meals consist of low fat cheese, low fat yogurt, low fat cottage cheese, hummus, fish, and eggs, eggs, eggs. I can have bananas because they are soft, but in severe moderation. Even though I can have "soft" foods, I have to be very careful eating specially healthy soft foods. Mayo for example, is soft... Mayo has also made me sooooo sick. Along with mayo, anything too high in sugar, fat, and carbs will make me have "dumping syndrome". 

Gastric bypass is commonly known for the term dumping syndrome. For those who don't know what that is, let me explain. Dumping syndrome after gastric bypass surgery is when food gets “dumped” directly from your stomach pouch into your small intestine without being digested. There are 2 types of dumping syndrome: early and late. Early dumping happens 10 to 30 minutes after a meal. Late dumping happens 1 to 3 hours after eating. Each has slightly different symptoms, such as abdominal cramping, fast heartbeat, lightheadedness, and getting sick. It is the WORST THING EVER. Hindsight is 20/20. You learn quickly what you can and cannot eat. Every person with #rnysurgery (gastric bypass) struggles differently with dumping syndrome. 

So back to me wanting to cheat... I could if I REALLY wanted to.. BUT I would get sick. I have melt downs, and sad days when I actually ball my eyes out because I can't eat what everyone else eats. I am an addict. The reason I can't cheat is because for me, this is my option. Before surgery I had the choice to chose between my life with modifications, or my short road to depression, gaining weight, and a painful death. I chose life. I CHOOSE life. I do struggle, but I am getting through this, one day at a time. Everyday, more than the last, I work hard on retraining my brain. I try to refocus my passion for food onto something that is not food related.  I did have a physical surgery on my stomach, but in my mind, it was more than that. My surgery is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional new lifestyle that I promised myself, and God. How do I get through this rough patch? I pray. I ask for strength, and guidance. I sing. I songwrite about being upset. Most importantly, as my mom says, "One day at a time." 

How do you cope?